An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful

This is one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (originally appeared way back in 2016 on the Second City Network here), and it’s Christmas-themed!

I’ll never forget the day I walked up on those kids condescendingly calling that snowman by my name. I’d just left from giving the eulogy at a funeral for a young father who died of tuberculosis, leaving behind a wife and four small children. I didn’t think my day could get any worse. I was wrong.

“Let’s pretend he is Parson Brown,” they said. “He’ll ask us if we’re married. What a creep! We’re just kids.” (I always ask if they’re married as a joke, like asking a four-year-old if he’s in college. I’m obviously kidding, but one mother hears you, and suddenly you’re labeled a perv.) Then they placed a tiny carrot below the charcoal buttons on the snowman and laughed hysterically. What’s worse, when they saw me, instead of feeling bad or running off, they just pointed and laughed even harder.

Now, I know I’m not the most attractive guy. I never have been. High school was hell for me. I’m pale and oddly-shaped — dumpy, even — but to build a snowman, and a sloppy one at that, just to name it after me is taking it too far. It’s not necessary. I would never have done that as a child, especially to a man of the cloth…